Growth.

Lagos still is dusty, but it does not bother me this year. What I can’t seem to grasp is the strength of the heat that blankets the city leaving everyone with makeshift hand-fans trying and failing to summon enough coolness as they make their way through the famous city. It is noisy outside, so I would rather sit in my house, accompanied by nothing but the flowers in my compound. December had them decorated with a mountain of dust that I have tried to wash off. They do not last two days before I come outside to meet them covered with more dust. So I remember that I can not do much for them, only provide them with enough water and wait for when the rain will come to bathe them.

I will say 2023 was a bit of rain washing a bit of dust off me. I can’t really tell, but I started the year with a realization that ended up being the entire focus for me. It was a back and forth, Olivia Rodrigo song, lots of steps forward, and the couple that had me at a square I could not identify.

Last year I wrote a New Year message about changes and trying to accept them because they were inevitable, one of which was starting the year alone in a house with no one but myself. Thankfully I did not start this year the same; I started it with tasks though. Tasks upon tasks. I guess this is what you get when the year starts on a Monday. It is also a stamp on my adulthood passport, I am here to stay.

I barely remember how New Year’s Days went as a child, but I know it took a week before life called. It was prayers (of course), eating, movies and just family time. There was never a rush back into the cycle of life like 2024 has brought. I can’t even replicate the things I did last year in January, I can only look back fondly on the events that happened. This is what I am going to do, look back fondly on 2023 because there is nothing more to do than appreciate the bit of rain that came down in form of challenges, realizations and moments that I keep close to my heart.

One thing I learned is how much I hate being alone but get tired of being around people. I like my space when I want to be in it, but I do not want to be stuck there for a long time. Friends tell me how lovely I have it being alone, just me and the loud silence as my next-door neighbour. I can assure you that it is not as rosy as you would imagine it to be, especially if you learn how much of an overthinker you actually are. There is no voice but yours, no sound but the singing in your head. There is a loudness of nothing, so you need to step out every once in a while to calm it down or just to fill your head with other voices besides yours. Then you get tired of those voices because people can be way too loud on sunny days.

I am accepting that I like the idea of being liked by people but staying far away so I don’t take it for granted. My unfiltered thoughts tell me to use anyone one who shows genuine interest in me because I think they could come off their interest, and I would be left alone. Therefore should it not be wise to use them before they grow out of it? The first time I learnt about this was in SS1. A classmate had confessed feelings for me but it was not mutual. I found it easy to smile and request things be done on my behalf because it was just easy. I stopped myself, thankfully and have since been doing that throughout my lifetime.

In 2023 though, I had to accept this was who I was without the restraints I put on myself. I often wondered whether I was really a good person if I had to struggle with that. What was the extent I would go if I never had to talk myself out of such? If I did know that I had a pocket of opportunity to be manipulative and could take it? What is being a good person?

Ironically, I struggled with thinking I was a bother to everyone, so I stayed far from people too. Hushed my words, swallowed my thoughts and would autopilot through days because I knew there was no one coming to help me but myself. Prince charming does not exist and even if he did, he would expect me to marry him, so rather than being indebted, I did things myself. I would rather get frustrated at not being able to do it myself than be hurt at the idea of being disappointed. I have a lot of growing to do here, unlearning and relearning too.

The most beautiful lesson I can think of is seeing that not everyone has a stab of pain behind their laughter and I am surrounded by people like that. Friends who grew up in happy homes, filled with love and completeness I have sought after for a while. I like questions. Everyone close to me has gotten a list of templates I stumbled upon on Pinterest once or twice. I sent one of them to a friend and the response I got hit me softly. Not everyone has a deep-seated wound, there might be scratches or grazes but nothing that eats into their very personality to turn them into a shadow of who they were meant to be. The world is not completely upside down.

There were moments upon moments in 2023, none of which had me breaking down mentally like in previous years. Instead, I kept finding out what sort of things Omonigho likes. I like the rain, and I like that little big star that always shines every night, and I like that I am able to like people deep enough, and I like Clinton Kane songs and Echo by Tauren Wells, and I don’t dislike cooking so much, and I like money because it gets me books and allows me gift friends and family and I like seeing my world in film. I like learning about the things people around me care for. I like when they talk nonstop about what they are passionate about even though I barely understand the terminologies they use.

I like having a flexible routine because it keeps me grounded and focused, I like finding people who inspire me to try to be better. I like receiving YouTube links that friends think I would be interested in. I like making boys blush, the ones I can do that to, because it is funny to see them try to hide it or be unable to stop the cheesy grin that crawls on their faces. I like writing to people, but I can get overwhelmed with that. I like some bits of fashion, although I hate being stuck with one style–I am very diverse in passions therefore, it translates into why I look different on most days. I like K-dramas and J-dramas and Hollywood and Hollywood and every movie industry in the world as long as their story makes sense.

I like…no, love stories. I always have, and 2023 was sort of a confirmation that I can do nothing but tell stories because life is a story. Whether in formal settings or informal, everything is a story. Business, religion, social interactions. We live and breathe stories. I live and breathe them.

There is still a lot I am learning and still have to accept. I am reminded that 23 is closer to 30 than it is to 17, therefore, I have to keep reminding myself that growing into the changes that come is inevitable. There are going to be challenges, lessons and questions I have to find answers to, either on my own or with people. Asking for help is not a jail sentence, and the most important thing is being present in every moment because there is no time like the present.